


Find A Way To Block It Out

by andersonblaines



Series: Small Town [1]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: 2x01 reaction, Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, largely spoiler free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 08:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3127895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andersonblaines/pseuds/andersonblaines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie's stood on the edge of a cliff and Hardy doesn't know what to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Find A Way To Block It Out

**Author's Note:**

> This was written straight after the emotional rollercoaster that was 2x01. I really identified with Ellie, and her relationship with Hardy is something I wanted to explore. 
> 
> Here's a visual, if you want one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CpulbU_K1I

It becomes a culmination of things. Sleepless nights and horrendous nightmares when she does sleep, full of the face of the man she used to adore. Ignored texts to Tom, ignored calls, ignored everything. 

 

Then, it’s Beth telling her that it's all her fault. Her best friend in the whole world, telling her that's she's better off elsewhere. 

 

Ellie already knows that, she doesn't need anyone to confirm it for her. Still, your best friend saying that is a punch to the gut like no other. 

 

She leaves Fred with her sister and asks her to just look after him for one evening. She says that Tom should spend time with him, that she just needs to sleep and he's been keeping her awake. Her sister nods and hugs her. She doesn't even catch a glimpse of her son. 

 

** 

 

She rings him. 

 

God only knows why, but something, the survival instinct she guesses, screams at her to do something preventative. Just in case. Just in case someone actually cares anymore. 

 

"Yeah?" Hardy answers, sounding not entirely there. 

 

Ellie doesn't say anything. She just breathes, slowly and painfully. Every breath hurts. 

 

"Miller?" he says, voice rising. "You there?" 

 

She's screaming on the inside.

 

"Ellie," he says, nearly whispering. "What is it?" 

 

She breathes a little faster, her bottom lip trembling uncontrollably. "I, I" she splutters, tears rolling down the side of her face. "I'm-"

 

"Where are you?" His voice is full of urgency now, louder and more direct. 

 

"I don't-"

 

"Ellie," he commands, "Tell me." 

 

"The cliff," she replies, then immediately hangs up.

 

She regrets every second of that call. She wonders if jumping now would be okay. Whether that call was her note. If he can do anything to get her away from this edge - that is, if she wants to be taken away. 

 

She stands there, only a footstep away from the precipice. She stares and stares at that spot, engraving it even further into her memory. As if she doesn't see it every time she closes her eyes anyway. 

 

Hardy knows exactly where to find her. He just doesn't know what to expect. Ellie doesn't realize that he's arrived until he's right behind her. 

 

"Miller," he breathes. 

 

She hates him for telling her the truth. She wishes that she never lived here. That she never met Joe. She hates him so much yet she called him and she _really_ doesn't know why. 

 

"Miller," he repeats, louder this time. 

 

She doesn't turn around, but she yells at him anyway. "Don't!" she screams, voice hoarse and broken. She sniffs and tries again. "Don't you call me that. _Don't_ you dare." She looks up at the sky, whispers, "I'm not him."

 

Hardy doesn't move, doesn't even flinch. He doesn't apologize either, he has a feeling that it wouldn’t be welcomed right now. He just stands behind her and breathes slowly. 

 

After a while, he tries to speak but she cuts him off, too stuck in her own head to contemplate listening to him. 

 

"You know, when I look down there, I see Danny. I see him all the time now, but especially when I'm here." She breathes out, wipes her eyes roughly. "I see him first, and then I see me." 

 

Hardy steps to the right, nearer to her. This is not good. 

 

"I see Danny lying there. Then I see me, in the same position." Her tone changes, becomes more matter of fact as she says, "Except it's a bit different, because I actually jumped and Danny was just made to look that way." 

 

"Ellie," he breathes. "Please." She carries on as if she never heard him. Her mind is in one place and that's where it's staying. 

 

"Then, I see our funerals. Danny's is full of love, full of people who cared for him greatly, people who will miss him every second of every day." She sniffs again, smiling slightly. "Then I see mine, which is exactly the same, except none of the people are there and everyone is happy - ecstatic even - that I'm not around anymore." 

 

“You know that’s not true,” he urges.

 

“Yes, it is. I remember when we interviewed Susan Wright, after it came out that she’d let all that stuff go on in her house. I was repulsed by her. I didn’t know how anyone could be so blind.” She exhales shakily. “I’ve turned into her. I was her all along. Nobody deserves to live after letting that go on _in their own house_!”

 

"Ellie," Hardy tries again, stepping closer. "You’re not her. You couldn’t have known, don’t you see that?” he cries, one step away from yelling or shaking her. He stares down at the spot she’s fixated with and whispers, “Don't do this." 

 

For the first time in months, he really looks at her. He notices that she's got dark circles around her reddened eyes, that there are tears silently leaking out of them. He sees her pain, hell, he feels it, and he has absolutely no idea of what to say to her. He knows of nothing that could possibly rectify this situation. There are no guidelines, no handbooks for what to do when your partner's husband is the murderer. Hardy isn't sure that there _is_ anything he can do. 

 

"Don't do this? Don't do what?" she asks, all of the fight gone. "Don't throw myself over this edge? Why not? You tell me why not because I do not have a single reason." 

 

Ellie rubs at her eyes again, but no matter how much she does, there's no stopping the tears. She doesn't even know why she's crying at this point, just that it's the only thing she can accurately do at the moment. 

 

"Because, Ellie, none of what happened was your fault." 

 

"Rubbish!" she yells, laughing slightly. "Okay, so I didn't kill Danny. But are you really telling me that we'd be in this position if I had noticed what was going on?" 

 

Hardy sighs. He knows exactly how she's feeling; Sandbrook made him question everything and he couldn't handle it for a long time either. He's trying desperately to think of things to persuade her otherwise but he's struggling. 

 

Beside him, Ellie's embarrassed. She can't remember why she called him, and she doesn't know why she's still here trying to reason her way out of this. She feels horribly alone and he’s just there to remind her that he’s all she’s got. Christ, that is a depressing thought.

 

Before Hardy can reply, tell her that it really, really isn't her fault, she interrupts him. 

 

"What is the point of this?" she mutters, eyes staring at the ground. "Everybody hates me even if I somehow manage not to. Every single person in this town would feel better if they didn't have me as a constant reminder of what happened." Hardy goes to speak, but she cuts him off. "Don't even try, because you cannot argue against that. It's just a fact." 

 

Something breaks inside her then, something that has been struggling to stay together ever since Hardy broke the news. 

 

"I don't, I can't-" Ellie utters, stopping only because tears are coming thick and fast and there's nothing she can do to stop it. She can't breathe, she can't breathe, she can't breathe- She doesn't want to breathe anymore. 

 

Hardy puts his hand on her shoulder, squeezing slightly and turning her around to face him. 

 

"Ellie," he breathes, and her name sounds like a prayer on his lips. "Stop this." 

"I want to, sir," she replies, her voice barely there at all, and oh, that hurts. "I want to."

 

She breaks down completely then, hunched over and sobbing uncontrollably, breaths fast and shallow, tears thick and fast. 

 

"Come on," he says, pulling her into him. She doesn't move an inch. 

 

"No, I, I have to," she blurts, looking up at him though her tears. His face is all blurry and distorted. 

 

"No, no. You don't," he urges, his heart beating faster than is healthy for him. 

Ellie stands up straight then, wipes her eyes and takes a small step forward, toward the cliff. She smiles at him. "I do." 

 

He grabs her then. She's past the point of reason and Christ knows how long she's felt this way; it's clear as day that nothing he says to her will convince her otherwise.

 

Ellie feels his hands on her shoulders, wrapping around her arms. She can't move now unless he moves with her. _Bastard_. 

 

His face is against hers, like he's hugging her. "Ellie," he says, with a desperation in his voice that she's never heard before. "Please. Come with me." 

 

She shakes her head and gasps, the situation hitting her like a two ton truck. She wants it all to be over, but not like this. She knows that if she jumps now, she’ll be seen as selfish, as if she’s trying to take Danny’s memory away from everyone. She can’t do that, not to Beth. Not to anyone. Even after everything, these people are her friends, whether they hate her or not. She still cares and she can’t pretend otherwise.

 

"For me," he begs. It's his last resort. 

 

Ellie takes a deep breath in and, with everything she has left, she nods. Hardy looks at her questioningly, as though he doesn't know if she means it, if she's tricking him. 

 

"Sure?" he asks, letting her go slightly. 

 

She nods again, and takes a step backwards. Once, twice, three times. 

 

Hardy's right next to her, every step she takes. He doesn't let his eyes leave her. 

He won't lose her. He can't let her do that to herself, not on his watch. Not ever. 

 

When they're a considerable distance from the cliff edge, Ellie looks at him. She must look like a complete mess, but she doesn't care. She steps forward and he steps forward and before either of them really know what's going on, they're hugging. 

 

It's more like holding each other. Hardy doesn't really know what to do, but he grips her back and she cries into him a little bit. 

 

Ellie seems to realize with startling clarity what she's doing, and steps back abruptly. He looks up at her, still not entirely sure that she's not going to do anything stupid. 

 

She smiles at him, lets out a really long breath. "I suppose I'd better get going," she says, looking anywhere but at him. 

 

Hardy frowns, completely confused by the change in tone of what they've been doing. She looks dreadful and she must feel even worse. There is no way in this world that he's letting her go anywhere. 

 

"Where's Fred?" 

 

Ellie looks at him like he's grown an extra head. "What?"

 

"I said," he repeats, "where's Fred?" 

 

She decides to humour him. "He's at my sister's, I thought Tom could spend some time with him." 

 

For a second, she felt okay. She felt like she could breathe again. Then, she had to go and think of Tom and that inadvertently leads her to Joe and then, it's all gone to shit again. 

 

She looks away and bites on her lip really, really hard. She does that a lot these days, it keeps her grounded when she feels like she's floating away to some crazy place inside her head. She bites a little harder and wills herself not to cry. She doesn't think there are any tears left anyway. 

 

"Ellie?" Hardy says, stepping towards her. "You okay?"

 

She looks back at him and laughs. She laughs, because no, she is not okay and she doesn't think she ever will be again. 

 

"Fine and dandy, sir," she says, smiling at him. If she doesn't make this humourous, he's going to have to stop her again. 

 

They both stand there in a silent exchange of words, Ellie breathing unevenly and Hardy tapping his fingers against his leg in a nervous manner that he's been doing for years. 

 

He looks at her and makes a decision that he should have made a long time ago. "Let's go." 

 

She frowns at him. "Go where?" 

 

"I don't know. But you're not being alone tonight and you're not staying here." 

 

“But Fred-”

 

“Is with his auntie and is totally oblivious to what nearly happened.” She purposefully looks out to the horizon and shakes her head.

 

“I can’t leave him,” she murmurs.

 

“You’re not leaving him. You’re taking some time to get yourself together.”

 

“I shouldn’t have to get myself together.”

 

Hardy steps forward, places his hands on her upper arms. “Ellie, stop. You need some time. That’s not wrong, or weak, or whatever other insult you’re calling yourself in your head.” He looks directly into her eyes and says, “You’re going to be okay.”

 

Ellie nods and smiles at him. Hardy steps back, holds his hand out to her and she laughs. "I'm not holding your hand, sir." 

 

“Fine,” he says in mock annoyance. “I was only being polite anyway.”

 

They walk together, down the path until they get to her car. “You’ve got to drive because I can’t, _but_ I am telling you where to go and you’re listening to me. Got it?”

 

Ellie smiles at him over the top of the car. “Thank you,” she says.

 

“Nah,” he replies, smiling back at her. “It was all you.”


End file.
